“We are wounded in relationship. We heal in relationship.”
Whenever I’m speaking with clients or reading comments under Instagram posts, I always hear and see people express why it is so important for them not to be in any kind of relationship right now. It’s always, “I have to do my healing before getting into a relationship.” – this is from platonic to romantic – any relationship that requires deep connection and intention.
I honestly believe this is a huge protective avoidant wall – this is coming from someone who used to believe I needed to completely heal before diving into another relationship.
Now, don’t get me wrong, if you’re a narcissist or someone with deep wounds who constantly harms your partner, then please, please, do your healing. However, even when someone needs to heal themselves to be ready for connection, it can be used as an excuse to avoid deep, meaningful relationships – we’ll come back to that.
COMING SOON
When I left my relationship in 2016, I realized how much healing I needed to do before I could have a healthy relationship. I saw so much in myself, from the fear of abandonment to fear of attachment – Listen, I know – shit was wild to experience.
It wasn’t until 2026, a whole 10 years later, that I felt confident enough to be in a relationship again. The realization was partly because of the solo healing I’d done, but mostly because, thanks to my therapist, I realized the healing I didn’t NEED to complete before getting into a relationship.
For so long, I would run from people I was dating because the connection made me feel things in myself that reminded me of my past relationships. So, I thought if I’m feeling those things, then it simply means I am not ready. I guaranteed this tiring pattern to continue until I realized these were wounds left by past relationships. So, how can I heal a relationship wound on my own?
How can you heal wounds that need to be triggered by similar energy that created them to heal?
Forcing yourself to be so comfortable alone that you never feel the need for someone else (impossible by the way) is not healing the fear of abandonment you have. Self-love and knowing your worth will not help you overcome the fear of being misunderstood or ignored by your partner if that fear stems from a past relationship.
I guarantee you, you may feel extremely confident in the work you’ve done (not that the work has not helped you solo, I’m confident it has), but once you come face to face with a familiar energy with your partner, or future partner, it feels like you’ve done no work at all. A perfect example is the wound healing we do away from our family, but when we return home, it is challenged, and we ask ourselves, “Why does it feel like I’ve done zero work?” And we go right back to telling ourselves we need more work and isolation.
But are you healing, or are you simply avoiding people and relationships that challenge you?
What will help you heal these things created in relationships? A caring and intimate partner, person, family, or friend who wants to walk these scary healing roads WITH you – not for you. Someone who is also brave enough to face their fears and heal their wounds with you. Wounds in relationships won’t heal on their own. I know, very often, we cannot heal with the person who created the wound – you do not have to. Unfortunately, as you’ve probably experienced, this wound will be triggered in other relationships in your life.
Having a hard time understanding how to work through your fears? You would benefit from Craniosacral or Shamanic Healing sessions.
The goal? Don’t run. Do not isolate. While you do your healing solo, let people in and work on your relationship wounds. As I said before, sometimes we really need to be alone and work on ourselves so we do not harm others. But this can also become a way to avoid a connection we crave deep down but are terrified of. Humans are masters at self-sabotaging. Often, we hurt our favorite people because we are afraid of being hurt. When we do this, we have successfully convinced ourselves that we are simply not ready for a relationship. The sabotage allows us to return to isolation (“safety”) without being triggered or challenged to work on our wounds.
So, questions for you to think on: The isolation brings you safety and the wondrous feeling of healing, but how do you feel really without connection? What are you really healing without these challenges that will encourage you to have healthy relationships? Whether we like it or not, we’re human, and we all crave connection and love. We cannot self-love ourselves out of needing connection and love.
Holistic Bodywork 